“Uh, we can all see you, blue boat number 22, peddling for your life in the big pedalo lake that is the world of pop music. Madonna, your time is up, please come in. Sure, you’ve had your fair share of crew members aboard H.M.S. Madonna lending a hand with the leg-power, and your constant refreshing of collaborators and producers has kept you afloat for longer than normal, but where once we applauded your age, determination and lack of shame, we’re now worried for your health and think you need a good long nap interrupted by a big slap and some aversion therapy. OK?

“please, just one more hour, I’ll tag onto the NY Disco scene / Retro Country / William Orbit / Parkour / Timbaland pedalo in front and it’ll be plain sailing, yeah?”

“No, come off it you old slag, you’ve well outstayed your welcome, and besides the new ‘hip-hop-r’n'b’ production style is way too strong a look and you’ll end up sounding like you are guesting on Justin tune, rather than the other way around. Anyway, you know that last bit of credibility you left on the shore? Well, some kids have just ran off and nicked it.”

“oh shit. Really?”

“really. To quote Timbaland, “you’re out of time, all you’ve got is four minutes (to get off the pedalo lake)”

————–

This event was fictionalised. You can buy Madonna’s new album at all good record shops, probably even Starbucks.